When Love Fades Away
by sarah lambert-ratliff
Summary: "It doesn't matter how much money, fame, success, glory or sex you have in your life. It doesn't mean shit unless you are connected by love." Adam's words and he lived by them always. He thought he was connected until he was stupid enough to ask 'will you marry me'. Then his world came crashing down.
1. Chapter 1

**When love Fades away**

**Chapter One**

Adam was having a really bad day, it had started so very well. Sauli was touring with him, it was wonderful to have the man he loved by his side. He smiled a little more warmly, laughed a little more deeply and started to enjoy life again for the first time in way too long. He loved his job, he would never be without it. The stage was in his blood. The bright lights his food and drink, without it he knew he would be miserable.

On the other hand, when he travelled he missed his family so very much. A few quarters in a pay phone and the odd email, it just was the same. It wasn't enough when you were apart months on end. He needed to wake up every day in the embrace of the one he loved the most in the world, to keep the darkness away.

The terrible mind numbing depression he would sometimes slip into when they had been apart way too long. He didn't mean to, but the tiredness just started to settle on his shoulders after a while. Weighing him down whatever he did. No amount of shopping, drink, drugs or sex could ever wash it away.

That's why when Sauli had offered to come away with him to Bali and Vietnam he had jumped at the chance to show his lover the world. And it had been so damn good, Adam hadn't been able to keep his hands off of that sexy blonde frame.

Sneaking out back just after midnight to kiss those soft sweet lips at Bali New Years Eve. During costume changes, grabbing a little of that suger. They had even been noticed kissing perhaps a little too passionately in the van driving away from a press conference.

Everything seemed so perfect, like for once everything was finally going right in his world. He should have known it was just the calm before the storm. He wasn't allowed to be happy. Everything he touched always turned to ashes. Everyone he loved always walked away fronm him sooner or later. They couldn't take his fame or his life style.

After the press conference Adam had been thinking about the question he kept being asked over and over. All his fighting for equal rights for gay weddings. So when would he marry? He had brought the ring nearly a year ago. Carrying it with him everywhere never letting Sauli find it. Waiting for the right time to ask those perfect words. To know that when he did do it, that they could be accepted for the love that they shared. Not despised and abused for being freaks. He wanted to make sure that he could give his husband everything he wanted and deserved in life. Perhaps now the tine was finally right to ask. He put the ringbox in his jacket pocket as he went to rehursals.

Eight grueling hours later, every bone in his body aching Adam limped away to shower. He was tired, drowned in sweat and wanted nothing more then to crawl into bed, but he was a star. And he had an image to uphold so that couldn't happen. He had a couple of hours free, then he would be back getting made up for tonights concert. Damn he hated these long days.

He dropped his dirty clothing on the floor and climbed under the hot steamy water. The scented liquid doing a wonderful job of unlocking the kniot of aching muscles in his shoulders. He moaned quietly at the sensation of the pain fading away under the waters gentle touch.

A slight noise behind him outside the shower block. Adam closed his eyes and sighed, couldn't he just have a moment to himself?! Then he felt someone behind him, strong arms encircling his waist and a series of soft kisses accross his damp shoulder. "I thought only I was allowed to make you moan like that?" Sauli asked playfully.

Adam relaxed into the touch, leaning back against the other man. "Oh baby, I missed you." He murmered enjoying the kisses, "Its been a long day."

"Bad day at work baby?" He asked, "Are you tired?" Rubbing his lovers shoulders, running his hands accross his back.

"Not that tired." Adam answered, "I'm never that tired." Turning and kissing Sauli, the taste of his boyfriends lips lifting his mood instantly. Pushing him back against the shower wall. Their tongues clashing hungrily together as their bodies touched in all the right places.

The naked damp man flesh turning him on. Adam's hand tangling in his lovers hair to pull his head back to nibble down his throat. Sauli stroking his hands down Adam"s hips, stroking his thighs in just the right way. Adam growled in responce, biting the pale flesh of Sauli's neck even harder.

"I love you." Sauli exhaled, breathing heavily as his hand dropped between his lovers legs stroking him. Kneeding firmly, feeling the 'interest' in his hands.

Then Adam in the heat of the moment not thinking straight, uttered the words which doomed them. Slipping out of his mouth from the haze of passion he felt. "Will you marry me?" He asked as the kissed grew more and more frantic.

Sauli went deathly still, "What did you say?"

Adam looked at him with such love, "I mean it baby, I've had the ring forever. I've been waiting for the right moment to ask you. Sauli my love, you are my everything. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you please share it with me?"

His boyfriend slammed out of the shower and started dressing quickly without even drying himself off. "You think that after 'forever' planning to ask me you couldn't come up with anything better then during a quick grope in the shower?"

Adam pulled a towel around himself and came after him. "I don't, I mean I didn't mean it to slip out that0way. I was going to take you to dinner, and a show. Be all romantic and sweet. I can still do that for you tomorrow. I love you and I mean every word I said. Won't you answer me?" He asked concerned.

Sauli pulled on his shirt, "No Adam, that's my answer. As in hell no, not now and not ever!"

Tears flowing in Adam's eyes now, "But why? We are so good together?" He couldn't grasp what was happening here.

"Are we? Are we good together?" Sauli demanded, "I don't see you for months on end, and barely a message from you. Then you turn up all romantically at christmas like nothing happened, full of egg nog, gifts and good cheer. And I figure one last chance ya know? Spend a few weeks with you, get to know you again. Its fun, don't get me wrong. But I barely know you, I hardly see you. That's fine you are working, but then this! You propose in a fucking shower like I'm nothing to you?! You sicken me! You don't love anyone other then yourself?!"

"How can you say that? You know how much I love you!" Adam demanded.

"Just forget it, I'm going home." Sauli said walking off, "I can't do this anymore."

Adam slunk to the bottom of the showertray crying. He didn't understand what he had done or why his lover was so upset with him. Confused and more then a little hurt he dried his eyes and changed into a clean shirt and jeans. Slowly, a little nervous to see his lover again, he walked back to the hotel. A few fans stopped him, so he painted on a smile and signed things and took photos like a good little boy.

When he finally got to the hotel and locked his door behind him, he received another shock. Everything of his boyfriends was gone from the room. Packed up and missing, no sign he had ever been there. Adam dialed his number, but it went straight to voicemail.

"Baby, I don't know what I did. But I want to fix this. I will do anything to fix this. Just tell me what I need to do. Call me please!' He snapped the phone shut and ordered some room service. Turning his ipod on half listening as the tracks rolled around. As he picked at his burger and fries a song rolled around that stopped his heart. It was one he and Sauli had made love to often.

Trying to hold back the tears Adam grabbed his coat, and headed to try and find something to crush the pain in his heart. Something to make him feel alive again


	2. Chapter 2

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter Two**

Adam hit the shopping centre, his body guards a little too close for his liking. He had tried to sneak out alone, but it hadn't worked. He milled aimlessly from shop to shop not really sure what he wanted. Normally he was very girly in his moods and buying things always cheered him up, not today however.

He carried a few small bags of little bits and pieces. Make up mostly, always loved more of that. Some aftershave, a skull necklace he had found cute. A silk shirt with a dragon on the back. Sauli would have loved to rip that off of him. They had often enjoyed playing with silk.

Oh that though so wasn't helping him. Sipping at a caramel mochacinno he glanced at the time and sighed. He really needed to get into hair and make up at the show. The last thing he felt like doing was climbing onto the stage, but 'the show must go on' after all.

All of those people had paid a lot of money to see him proform and see him they must. "Inside my heart is breaking, my make up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on." He mumbled as he flicked through some keychains on a stall. Never had those words hit him as hard as they did right now. He was lost, so damn lost, not sure what to do or where to go to try and hold on.

In a daze Adam got into hair and make up, his bags abandioned and forgotten in the van. He smiled and chatted politely to everyone, acting like he was perfectly fine. Inside he felt dead, completely barren.

Snatching up a bottle of whisky and a glass, he hide away in his dressing room pretending to be rehursing. When in fact the only thing he was working on was having one hell of a hang over in the morning. Half the bottle went down before he even noticed it.

Normally Adam would never drink before a show. He liked to keep himself fresh, focased. Then have plenty of fun at the after party, often a little too much fun. Tonight for the first time in years he was actually scared of the spot light. Terrified of walking onto that stage infront of all those people. He heard the acts before him called onto the stage one by one, he had ages until it was his turn.

Plenty of time to get completely wasted trying to forget his fears and everything else. He kept on ringing his boyfriend every few minutes always getting voicemail. He gave up leaving messages after the first half a dozen. Hardly seemed like there was any point in continuing, it had been over six hours now. If he was going to phone back, he would have done so by now.

On a whim he picked up Tommy's phone he had left behind, and dialed. Sauli picked up on the very first ring. "Tell him that I am not coming back, I hate him!" Was all he said before he hung up again.

So that was that.

Two years and two months they had dated, and it had all been for nothing now. That man had stolen his heart and then broken it into little tiny pieces.

As Adam crossed to the table to pour another strong drink he noticed a slight stagger in his step as it started to really kick in. He clearly had eatten less today then he had thought if it was getting to him already. Struggling to care somehow he belted down another glassful. Closing his eyes feeling it slide all the way down. A warm numbness starting to creep over his senses.

Tonight he was going to drink until he passed out. That much he promised himself. Drink until he forgot the whole world, until he couldn't even remember his own name anymore.

After all as he had said a thousand times. It doesn't matter how much money, fame, fortune or sex you have. It doesn't mean shit if you aren't connected by love. Until earlier he had thought he was. Until his world had come crashing down around his ears. He was so close to not getting on stage. To just walking out the stage door and finding some seedy bar to lose himself in. Or a good man, hell even a good woman would do right now. He wasn't picky, he just craved feeling something other then this pain!

A knock on the door, "Five minutes Mr Lambert." A stage hand called.

"Thank you." He answered, draining his glass. He touched up his make up carefully even though his hands were shaking from the whisky. "Showtime." He mumbled rolling his eyes, "I swear I am going to give up music tomorrow!"

Adam strutted his way to the curtain, his walls in place now. No one was getting through his icy exterier. Never again, better to be heartless then heart sick. "I will never love again!" He swore to himself as he took the steps to the stage.

The lights were down giving him a few seconds to adjust. His heart was in his stomach. He felt like throwing up or crying or something, anything. Eyes fluttering closed to try and centre himself.

Those seconds were not long enough, when the lights came back up he was all over the place. As he sung through the set he stumbled over words he should know by heart. Hell he had written them so how could he not?!

His dancing wasn't oh so co-ordinated with the backing dancers. Adam noticed band members giving each other worried looks behind his back. A few of the fans at the front of the stage commenting that he was clearly drunk. He didn't care not one little but. He was just going through the motions, walking through the part. A few more songs and he could get the fuck out of this hellhole and somewhere with lots of drinks.

Adam struggled his way through 'Sleepwalker', another song that was just a little to apt tonight. He certainly wasn't awake or asleep after the way he loved me! He cursed his planning when he realised what song was next. Oh it had seemed like such a good idea at the time he wrote the setlist. He had been a different person then. One full of the joys of life, not the pains of heart ache. He nearly choked on the lines, fighting hard to keep the tears away.

"Just don't give up, I'm working it out. Please don't give in. I won't let you down. It messed me up, need a second to breathe. Just keep coming around, HEY. Whataya want from me?"

It was like he had written the song for this exact moment. To beg his lover to come back to him. To ignore his fucked up lifestyle and personality and just be with him.

"Yeah its plain to see, that baby you're beautiful and there's nothing wrong with you. Its me, I'm a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you're doing it perfectly."

As the song ended, Adam slipped out back for an extra costume change and a long swig of water.

Tommy stuck his head out, "You okay man?" He asked worried.

"He left me, seconds after I asked me to marry me. So yeah I'm FINE!" Adam snapped back.

"Oh jeeze, I'm sorry," Tommy answered. He hugged him breifly, "Two more songs and I will buy you a few beers."

Adam smiled faintly, "That sounds really good babe."

A few more drinks, and then more drinks, and after those drinks maybe ... Well he and Tommy had had a fling before. Perhaps they could do so once again. He thought he might like that quite a bit. He certainly knew the other man would. He had chased him for weeks after they had broken up trying to fix things. Adam hadn't cared then, and maybe he was using his friend now but shrugs.

Adam went through the motions of the last two songs. He finished with 'FEVER', giving Tommy some very suggestive looks and two long lingering stage kisses. Just so the man knew exactly what he was thinking. The second kiss left them both breathless. For the first time the whole night, Adam actually felt alive on stage as they finished the number and said their fairwells.

He bounced back down the step to be faced by someone he hadn't expected. "Couldn't wait to get into bed with someone else I see! Nice to know how little I meant to you!" Sauli commented.

Adam glared at him, downing water fast. "That is stage craft and you know it, for the fans!"

Sauli raised an eyebrow, "Really? I saw the whole show and those two kisses were the only part where you even tried! If you were still on Idol then I would be telling you to get the bus home! What the hell was that pathetic sham out there?!" He demanded.

"What the hell has it got to do with you?" Adam snapped, "You walked out on me without even saying goodbye!".

"You are drunk!" Sauli commented.

"Not drunk enough." Adam countered, "What exactly is the right amount of liquor when the man you love turns down your proposal AND stomps on your heart leaving you?!"

"I had come to say goodbye, shouldn't have bothered wasting my breath. I always knew you were cheating on me, but really with your ex?" He commented sadly.

"Oh grew up Sauli, you know I was always true to you! You are the only person I ever wanted. Should never have been stupid enough to think you felt the same. Wasting my effort caring for you, you clearly never cared for me. You just wanted the big star I am!" Adam shouted not caring everyone was watching.

Sauli slapped his face hard, leaving finger marks on Adam's cheek. "And you wonder why I left you?"

Adam snapped his head up angrily, "No I wonder why I didn't leave you first! You can't keep up with me, and you sure as hell don't deserve me. Now excuse me, I have a few bars to drink dry!" Shoving past the blonde, "I expect the keys to my appartment back and your stuff moved before I get home to LA."

"Fucking arsehole!" Sauli muttered.

"Fuck you!" Adam shouted as he left.


	3. Chapter 3

**When love fades away**  
**Chapter three**

Adam was on the hunt and he was completely wasted. This was his third bar since the show ended. He couldn't even remember how many shots he had had now, or how many drugs he had done. All he knew was he felt better (for now) and he was horny as hell.

He had been dancing for hours, making a total fool of himself. He was pretty sure some pictures had been taken by the press that he would regret in the morning when he sobered up.

IF he sobered up! He didn't plan to for a long while yet. Being sober was boring, why be boring when you could be having so much damn fun?! Who cared about the fast approaching dawn or the misery in his soul! He had danced with a hundred different people so far, but not yet found one which tickled his fancy.

Adam was looking for someone special, someone so 'imperfectly what they should be'. Perhaps after his blonde bombshell his sights were a little higher then usual. Or perhaps he really didn't want to sleep with some stranger from a seedy bar.

He sighed, he really needed to stop thinking so much. Thinking would ruin his night out and destroy the fun he was trying to have. He wanted to get laid as much as possible that night. He spied a guy with some 'interesting features', but he was with a girl, damn it! Where were the single studs tonight?

Adam went to get another drink and fell down a couple of steps from the dance floor. Giggling as some girl grabbed his arm to steady him. "Thanks sexy!" He crooned, kissing her passionatly. She looked shocked and a little horrified at his touch moving away fast. People around then were muttering about a star making a fool of himself. Not noticing or simply not caring, Adam carried on towards the bar to get another batch of drinks.

Tommy rolled his eyes, he and a few other band members had been following the boss to make sure he was okay. "I am gonna put a stop to this before he embarresses himself any more." He commented. The others watched as he strode accross towards his friend, he couldn't take watching him destroying himself anymore. Made him feel sick watching someone he still loved falling apart.

Adam smiled and hugged him. "Join me for a drink baby?" He asked warmly, offering him one of the brimming whisky glasses.

Tommy took both glasses and put them back on the bar. "Don't you think you have had enough Adam?" You can barely walk now."

Adam glared and picked his glass back up, draining it in one. "Thats not any of your business!"

"Adam you are my friend and you are making an ass of yourself. Of COURSE that makes it my business to make sure you are okay! Please let me take you home." He asked quietly, trying not to cause any more of a scene.

"Then I fire you as my friend, so piss off and find someone else to annoy!" He snapped, turning away and finishing the other drink as well. His head was starting to spin now, but he was too stubborn to admit he needed to stop and should have hours before. He never did anything he was told to. Too stubborn and bloody minded for his own good! He had always been the same, perhaps that was why he had so few true friends? He pushed them all away before they walked away from him, safer that was. Easier, at least then he could bury the pain in his own time not theirs.

"You can't fire your friends, I've been by your side for four years now. I am not going anywhere, not when you need a friend so damn badly. I am NOT leaving you to drink yourself to death in some seedy bar. I care for you too much for that." Tommy answered trying to mantain his calm.

"Then I fire you as my guitarest, and then yóu won't be able to travel around with me. So therefore I have effectively fired you as my friend, and you can piss off and leave me alone! Find another star to stalk!" He countered.

"Oh that would be about damn right, you would only look at my lead guitar skills after you had a huge bust up with Monty and he walked out. You pushed away everyone else in the band and then had to replace them as well. That suits you doesn't it?!" Tommy demanded, "Interchangable band members and friends? Always moving on, place to place, person to person. Never letting anyone see the real you? Never caring enough to show anyone 'Underneath' that icy cool frame. No wonder Sauli left you! Hell you only started up with me because there was no one else and you were bored. Then you drop me when you find someone else. Then he drops YOU and I am flavour of the month again? I don't think so Adam, hearts don't work that way on normal people. Look me up when you actually learn to give a shit about someone other then yóurself!"

"Fuck you! What do you know about me? Why would you even care? You just don't want to go back to your shitty dead end job again!" Adam snapped.

"Because I love you moron, always have and always will do. Whatever ýou do to hurt me and try to push me away again. I just don't happen to like you very much right now!" He replied.

Adam set down the glass he was holding, suddenly starting to feel quite ill. The emotions start to crack his exterior, Tommy loved him? Someone actually cared? "I need air." He mumbled, pushing past him and stumbling his way into the alley outside. The cold air hit him like a sledge hammer, he nearly went out like a light. "Jeeze how much DID I drink?" He asked himself, trying to regain some balence and soberity.

"Now do you believe me that you have had enough?" Tommy asked quietly behind him, holding his friends forgotten jacket and a bottle of water.

"Yeah." Adam answered looking sheepish. He accepted the offered water and sipped slowly til the sick feeling faded.

"Its time to go home to bed Adam, and to sleep this off. Okay?" He asked.

Adam nodded. "Sounds good to me." He answered tiredly. Everything seemed to be kicking in at once and he was exhausted. His legs didn't seem to want to obey him anymore. He was very greatful when Tommy put his arm around his waist to help. Laying his arm around Tommy's neck carefully, "I'm sorry about that." He murmered in his ear, half asleep already.

"Shh Adam, we can talk about it all tomorrow when you are sober." He promised, helping his friend into a taxi. Climbing in behind him to make sure Adam did actually get home safely.


	4. Chapter 4

**As love fades away**  
**Chapter four**

**Authors note: smutt warning**

Tommy struggled Adam upstairs to his apartment, the guy was a hell of a lot taller and heavier then him and half passed out by now so he wasn't being the most helpful of companions to move. He lent the goth into the door frame so he could struggle with the keys. He had seen Adam drunk before, and high and god only knows what else as well, but he had never once seen the man in a state near to this. This man just didn't care what he did or who saw. Adam had always kept a sense of self control barely, and decorum even more so when he was in the public eye. Worried about risking any more bad press. He had enough already daring to be gay! Then his flamboant nature did him very few favours, nor did the sexual nature of his shows.

Finally Tommy fumbled the door open and almost fell inside. Adam stumbled into him and they both ended up up crashing to the floor. Adam flicked the door shut with a stray boot, clearly used to falling on his face as soon as he got out of sight. The not usual part was landing on his soft glitterbaby. "Nice, comfy." He murmered, kissing him softly.

Tommy instantly responded to the kiss, used to the hot and heavy stage kisses that Adam regularly surprised him with. For a long moment he lay there wrapped into the kiss, enjoying the weight of Adam on top of him. Finally feeling whole again like he hadn't since the other had dumped him. He had missed the love that they had shared so long ago, two years just over without the others touch.

It was a damn long time, and he wanted this so badly, but did Adam really want what he was asking for? Was he just in desperate need of a quick lay to cheer him up? Tommy cared for his boss and best friend more then that. He couldn't take advantage of Adam's weakened state in such a way, he would never forgive himself. "Adam, stop please, this isn't right." He murmered trying to push the other man away.

"You want this, you want me." Adam answered, nipping at the flesh of his neck knowing how crazy it made him. "Tell me you don't want this!"

Tommy squirmed distractedly under the touch sighing in contentment. "No!" He said shakily, "I don't want you, not like this!"

"I don't believe you glitters." Adam crooned, biting harder until the other man was gasping. "Your body betrays you kitty." As he reached down Tommy's trousers to the growing hard on.

Tommy yelped and struggled to claw his way out of the embrace, grabbing the couch to drag himself away. "No Adam, you are drunk and way too upset for this." He snapped.

"Then I will find someone who will!" Adam retorted, "Stupid kitty isn't any fun to play with anymore!"

"How Adam, you can barely walk?!" Tommy commented, pulling himself to his feet and trying to unruffle himself from what had just happened.

"Who the fuck needs to be able to walk to fuck some guys brains out?" Adam commented dragging himself upright swaying heavily. "I wanna feel something! If you won't give me that, if you can't understand what I feeling. I thought you said you loved me!"

"I do love you Adam, that's why I won't do this. You are better then this whether you feel it or not. You are better then falling apart over some damn break up! You are Adam fucking Lambert, rock god and world wide superstar. Not some bloody Bridget Jones crying your eyes out on the sofa eatting ice cream. That's why style not yours!" Tommy exploded, "And you are certainly better then a quick lay in the back alley of some sleezy bar with some guy you won't even remember the name of tomorrow morning."

Adam shakily stop halfway to the door, leaning against the wall as he swayed on his feet again, eyes half closing trying to focas. "I wish I was glitters, I really do, but all this shit." He waved his hand at the room, "It all means nothing to me. The tour, the music, this life, I'd give it up, every single bit of it for one more day in his arma. What's the point of all of this if I can't FEEL anything? Only he and you have ever made me feel alive again. Instead of the useless sleepwalker with my eyes wide shut all the time, ghosting through my life. I need to be loved, but no one ever cares. No one ever wants to see the real me. They only ever want the 'star' not the man underneath." He broke off trying to choke back a sob.

Tommy sighed and came to hug his friend. "Songs huh? I can give you songs." He murmered, "I wanna scream out, no more hiding, don't be afraid of what's inside. Wanna tell ya, you'll be alright in the aftermath."

That sent Adam off into floods of tears, snugging into his babies arms. As Tommy sung softly "It doesn't matter, go on and shatter, I'm all you need. Broken pieces break into me, so imperfectly what you should be."

"What would I do without my kitty." Adam murmered sleepily as the tears slowly subsided.

"Go off the rails completely, now come to bed." He answered smiling.

"Oh really?" Adam asked with a smirk.

"NOT like that, you can cuddle and that's it! Try anything else and I am leaving. And underwear stays on!" Tommy insisted.

"I like when you get all dominent." Adam answered, "But I don't I even get a kiss?" He pouted.

Tommy smiled at the newly improved mood, "Maybe a few and only a few!"

Tugging the taller man to the bedroom and helping him to undress. Knowing that he was in no fit state to do it himself. Adam clearly enjoying the sensations as Tommy pushed him back onto the bed to remove his boots and trousers. "Sure you don't want me baby?" He slurred, "You know I'd make it worth your time."

"Adam you are going to pass out in about five minutes the way you are headed. You can barely keep your eyes open." He commented, dragging his own jeans off and pulling the blanket over them both.

"So not the point!" Adam murmered leaning in to claim those lips as his very own.

Tommy sighed happily as they met in the soft kiss, lingering as their tongues danced together. He didn't want the moment to ever end, but he knew it was going to move too far very very soon if it didn't. "Just be okay Adam, that's all I ask. You scared me tonight." He asked pulling away.

"Sorry." Adam murmered cudding into Tommy's shoulder an dletting out that little sigh he always did as he dropped off to sleep.

Tommy found tears dampening his face at the open trust between them both even after all this time. He knew it wasn't over, that Adam wouldn't be better for a long time and he'd have to watch his babyboy like a hawk. Adam was always one to bottle up how he felt and put on a brave face. He was crashing and burning big time here, Tommy just hoped that he could save him before he lost his life or his career. He hummed to Adam softly until he too fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**As Love Fades Away**  
**Chapter Five**

**Authors note: smutt, angst and suicide warning. **

Tommy woke first as the mid day sun streamed through the window onto his face. He stretched and groaned, stiff from being cramped up under Adam all night, but it would fade soon enough. He checked his sleeping loved one, he was still out cold and looked like he would be for some time yet. He lifted an eye lid, dialated, he was still high as fuck. No way was he going to surface before dusk.

Idly Tommy wondered quite how much the guy had taken. Or if he even knew himself how much? No way drink alone would have got Adam in the state he was in last night. Not high, low, crying and all over the place. That was a sight he looked upward and begged never to see again. He didn't believe, but right now he figured it couldn't hurt not to ask.

Hunting Adam's jacket and trousers he located a load of different pills and hurried to flush them away. He knew it was easy enough to get more, but it would take him time. Time which might make him think twice about it all or give Tommy time to realise what was going on.

He would hide the drinks as well, but Adam could just order room service so there was little point. He took all the knives from the kitchen and the razers from the shower. Bagged them and hid at the back of the wardrobe. Satisfied that Adam couldn't hurt himself too badly now, Tommy wrote him a quick note. 'Gone home for some clothes, be back soon DON'T do anything Adam level stupid or else!' And left it on his pillow when he left.

What he couldn't have known was as Adam rolled over in his sleep, the paper fluttered to the floor. Unnoticed, lost and the very important message in it completely wasted.

X

Adam awoke groaning with his head pounding, he felt like death. "Oh fuck what did I do this time?" He murmered, rolling over to cuddle up to his glitterbaby to try and ride out the sickness he felt. But the other pillow was empty and cold now.

He sat up and looked around the room. His kitty was gone and so were all his clothes. No note, nothing, he checked his phone, no new messages. He rung Tommy, no answer. It just kept on ringing, and eventually to voicemail. A few more tries and Adam lost it, throwing his phone against the wall smashing it. For the second time in a single 24 hours he came to, to find that the men in his life that he loved had left without a trace.

Reaching down to the abandioned jacket, he felt around for the pills, they were missing. Then he checked the leather pants also gone. "Damn you glitterbaby!" He growled, "Damn you to hell!"

Adam swung out of bed, ending up on his ass as his wrecked body refused to function right now. He scooted over to his make up case and hunted through the tubes and pockets until his found his emergency stash. Downing a handful with a minature whisky from the mini bar behind his back. Adam slunk back against the wall as the pills started to dig in, he couldn't take any more of this abuse.

The row with Sauli, then with his glitterbaby, for glitters to then spend the night comforting him just to disappear in the morning light. Everything Tommy has said about loving him, it must have all been lies. Just something the boy had made up to keep him from doing anything stupid.

Well he was Adam Fucking Lambert, and he didn't just do something stupid. He never did anything by halves. If he was gonna be stupid, he was going to be epically stupid!

Adam worked his way through the entire contents of the mini bar, even the stuff he didn't like. End of the day it was booze and that was all that mattered. What few pills he did have followed suit bringing a steady lethergy to his bones. Almost lulling him back into sleep.

Yes, now he was ready to finally do what he had needed to for a very long time. To escape from all of this insanity, all this misery and pain. To never have to live or love again. To not have to feel when your heart is ripped out and stomped on.

Adam dragged himself up and to the shower, reaching inside. "What the hell?!" ...his razer was gone, he looked all around for it, nothing. He crossed to the small kitchenette and openned the drawer, again everything sharp was awol.

"Kitty do you really care?" He asked himself softly. Looking at his smashed phone on the floor, he tried using the hotel phone to ring instead. Still no answer, and it slipped to voicemail. "Tommy you are an arsehole, you never loved me. Never wanted me, like everyone else you couldn't care less if I was here or not. So ya know what?! I'm not gonna be around anymore!"

He slammed the phone back down as the dark wave of depression heightened by the drugs crashed over him. He felt like crying, but the tears where gone now. Leaving a gaping emotionless pit in his heart. A null space where he neither felt nor cared anymore.

Tommy hadn't won't, Adam always had a back up plan for escaping. Back to the make up case, he pulled the top tray out and dumped the make up on the floor. Turning the tray over, he pulled back the velvet lining to reveal a small blade with a silver and black bone handle, flick blade. He had carried it all through college for protection, after he had been beaten up more then once.

The only person he had ever used it on however was himself. Hence the crazy amount of tattoos on his arms to cover the scar tissue. Cutting had been his only escape then, more often then not he never slit deep enough to do any real harm. Just loose enough blood to make him drowsy and weak.

Not today, this would be a new dawn in his life. The day that Adam Lambert took his last bow and left the stage forever.

He looked around the room, he wondered who would find him? Who would care that he was gone? If anyone would come to his funeral? Would his songs and his message survive his death? Would Tommy and Sauli be okay without him?

Well they were without him now so what was the difference!

Adam didn't want to make a mess on these lovely cream carpets, didn't want to cause anyone any more hassles cleaning up after him. He retreated into the bathroom to run a shower. He stripped and folded his clothing, leaving it on the side.

Then he slipped under the warm water, leaning against the wall to wash himself. Eyes half closing so very tired. Without even needing to look, Adam stroked the tip of the blade down his inner thigh to find the perfect spot. After all the beautiful artwork he'd had put over the last batch of scars he was loath to ruin the ink. His thighs had few scars never been his favourite spot, but he was experienced enough at cutting to function even in this trashed state. he ran the blade accross the flesh, grazing it.

He sighed, that felt so damn good. Cutting was an addiction, one he had never quite been able to give up. The high he felt when he broke the skin was amazing. He dug the blade down his leg a second time, a mixture of pain and pleasure that left him gasping. By the third stroke of the knife he was moaning as blood trickled down his wet thigh to the shower floor, mixing pinky in the soapy water.

He swopped to the other leg and repeated the process exactly the same way. He found himself growning hard from the mixture of emotions in his body right now. Blood flowing freely now, sticking his legs together.

Suddenly it wasn't just about death, it was about feeling something at long last as well. He dug his fingers into the wound to keep the blood flowing as his body reacted for excitedly.

Adam had to touch himself to try and relieve some of the growing pressure in his legs and groin. Firm even strokes, the red on his fingers slicking his hand giving him more lubrication. The red river of screams dripping down his legs. He drew th knife accross his leg the other way. Crisscrossing the cuts to make It flow faster.

Sooner or later he would make the killing stroke and end his miserable existance, but until then endorphins had kicked in and he felt truely amazing. Sexing yourself to death, it was an unusual way to go. Then again he enjoyed being 'interestingly eccentric'. Why be normal when you could be so controvertual!

He had lost a reasonable amount of blood by now, staining the bottom of the shower, the moans coming from his throat distracting him from a slight noise outside of the bathroom.

Adam heard a shocked gasp, and half turned to feel something connecting hard with the side of his head. Then there was nothing but darkness left as his world.


	6. Chapter 6

**As Love Fades Away**  
**Chapter Six**

**Authors note: loving that this story has been taken up by the adommy girls now. Expect my usual blend of angst and sweet moments in the next two chapters up in the next 24 hours. Keep reviewing and tweeting me at loki_lucy. You guys keep me writing, I could cry in happiness when I walk onto twitter and see people discussing work I realise is MINE! :)**

It took Tommy far too long to get home, check his blank answer machine and head into a hot shower. He had wanted to cheer Adam up, so he swung by the bakery and bought him a dozen of the glitter cupcakes he loved so much. The guy ordered then every birthday and almost every weekend he was home so they never needed to ask what he wanted when he went in.

Then as he passed a little gift shop he caught sight of something too damn perfect to pass up. A small very kitch sign, not Adam's thing at all nor his to be honest, but the wordong was exactly what he needed right now.

It read 'To the world you may be one person, but to one person you are the world.'

Tommy had it gift wrapped all fancy in black paper and bows with pink glitter between the layers to explode as his love ripped the paper off. It would be so funny to see his face as he was covered in it all! Then more then likely a few tears from it all.

Tommy even swung by Adam's favourite resterant and booked a table for later that evening. He knew it must be rough for the guy to be doing a tour in Tommy's hometown, staying in a hotel while he could just slip home to mom. He had offered to let him stay with their family, but Adam wasn't one for the home life style anymore.

Unlocking his door, he collasped on the couch to rest his aching feet a few moments, leaving the parcels on the coffee table. Mess and clothing everywhere. "I really need to clean up today!" He mumbled to himself. That and get up to make some coffee very soon.

But that soft couch was just to comfortable and he really didn't want to move right now. He'd stay there a few more minutes, not realising quite how heavy his eyelids were feeling, as he stretched out full length. Pounding the remote buttons to play some classice rock in the background. The bass line all the way up making the room shake. Perfect relaxation music as the couch seduced his eyes into closing.

Then next thing he knew his eyes were creeping slowly open and the room was dark now. He had slept the whole rest of the day away, the tour must be getting to him more then he thought. They were all due very soon a nice long rest period, and he couldn't wait for it. Yawning and stretching he noticed his phone blinking with a million missed calls from Adam.

"Fuck!" He muttered, slamming into the shower quickly to get washed and changed, to get back up there. He had wanted to be back before the Glamking had woken back up. Just incase the eventual downer got too bad for him. He never heard the phone ringing again over the water pounding and the rock still blasting out full volume.

Tommy showered and changed into a relatively clean shirt and jeans, he really did need to clean and so dome washing very soon. And applied the fastest make up he ever had, it probabley looked lousy, but it would do. Ever since he had met Adam he has started to feel naked unless he was wearing make up when he went out. Strange the things that happened to change you in three years.

His phone was ringing, and he threw the half done mascara down fast to answer it. Even so the VM sign blinked just as he got there. Tommy shoved his keys into his pocket and snatched up the gifts as he headed out the door waiting for the message to load.

He paled as he listened. "Oh shit!". It was a suicide note, Adam was the other side of town, could he get there in time? He tried ringing back, but all he got was that the number had been disconnected. "TAXI!" He screamed as he hit the street. Jumping into one seconds later and praying that the idiot moved his ass. His prayers were ignored as time and again they were caught in traffic or stopped at lights.

When they finally pulled up, Tommy threw some bills at the driver and rushed up the hotel steps. Oh great, now the lift was out of order as well! And Adam had to be on the eight floor, just peachy! He hit the stairs in a run, panting by the time he got to the door. Slamming it open and dropping the parcels down.

The room seemed normal apart from the makeup case contents skattered on the floor. Then there was the smashed phone against the wall that would explain why he couldn't get through. But where was the man himself?

Tommy checked the windows, barred and locked that was very good. The empty contents of the mini bar all over the floor and a tube of pills. Bugger, he had had more stashed then first thought. He was wasted AND high, topped off with suicidal depression, what a great combination!

Adam's coat, wallet and keys hadn't left the room however which was strange. He couldn't have gone far without them surely?! It was freezing outside, icy january winds, he'd catch his death of cold in minutes.

Then Tommy heard a noise from the bathroom that didn't at all sound like someone in pain. If Adam had some whore in there he was going to kill him! Silently he crept around the door to the most shocking sight he had ever seen: Adam slicing into his legs, blood everywhere and the sick bastard was getting off on it all. And seriously off on it as well, how the hell?! He had always know that the older guy was damaged, but THIS fucked up? Was he trying to die or enjoy himself?

Either way Tommy had seen enough and was sick of these games, that was way too much blood to be healthy. His fingers snaked around the lamp just outside the room, pulling it from the socket and slammed it into the side of Adam's head. Knocking the sick freak out cold. With the boy's slight build to the older man's far stockier build he hadn't had much other choice to control him. "Now you sick little glampire let's get you cleaned up and sorted out." He said matter of factly.

X. X. X. X. X. X

For the second time that day Adam woke up with a pounding head, he didn't know how long he had slept. Or what was going on, but he did know he ached all over. His legs burned and he was very very thirsy. Groaning he dragged himself upright in bed and found a glass of water handed to him by some unseen figure. He belted it down and felt the glass refilled when he was done. It was ice cold and tasted wonderful. He tried to focas on the dark room, fingers snaking up to a lump and bruise on the side of his head.

A light flickered on in the room making Adam groan even more. Blinking trying to focas on the face swimming infront of him. "Glitters?" He asked, "What's going on? Where am I?"

Tommy checked his eyes and slapped his face hard enough to leave a faint pink mark. "Don't tell me you don't remember anything? Oh that's just perfect! You put me through hell and you cop out on remembering one damned thing! Are you still high?"

Adam shook his woozy head, and sipped the water slowly. "I don't think so, was I high? But Sauli doesn't like me using, where is he?" He asked probing his fuzzy flakey memory.

"Oh shit you really don't remember do you?" Tommy asked, sitting on the bed next to his friend. "Sauli left you, you guys had a big fight, a few in fact. You fucking lost it man! You have scared us all half to dead." He took his friends hand and squeezed gently.

"But I saw him this morning, we were going to dinner after the concert. I was going to ask him to marry me." Adam stumbled over the thoughts.

Tommy sighed, "You asked him before the concert and he didn't like it and you freaked out. Man you ruined a concert over that douchbag!" He could see the wheels turning in the others mind, the dots would connect any second and he would be broken as fuck again. It felt almost cruel, but it had to be done and at least now he wasn't alone to do something retarded again.

"He said that I didn't love him, that I love no one but myself." Adam murmered, "That I was a cheating whore."

Tommy removed the glass from the others hands and set it down out of reach. He didn't need anymore sharp objects around right now. "You got really drunk on and off stage, fucked the show up, and went on a bender Tony Stark would have been proud of!"

Adam's eyes grew wider as the memories slid into place and he glanced down to his legs. Suddenly realising what the other must have seen. "I can explain!" He rushed.

"Explain what?" Tommy snapped, "That I came running accross town because I thought you were dead just to find you covered in blood and masterbating! That you get off on hurting yourself because you are some sick fucking pervert? Did you even want to die or was it all just for attention?"

22:22

**Sarah Lambert**

"Yes." Adam answered almost too softly to hear, "Yes I did, yes I still do and if you walk out that door right now I would probabley get wasted and do it all over again. I can't stop myself when I get low, its something I HAVE to do. It drives me crazy, posessing my every thought and feeling until I break skin."

"What the hell do you of all people have to be so damn low over?" Tommy demanded his voice raising more then a little, "You have the perfect life what people strive for. You have everything!"

Adam met his gaze, "I'm lonely glitters, so very lonely."

"But you have so many fans, friends, me. How can you ever be lonely?" He asked.

Tears on Adam's face, "Because that stage gets me so damn high I could touch the stars. I am so loved and adored, everyone wants me, I'm special for once. Then we have a few drinks and laughs after, epic great night. Then I go back to my cold empty bed and I'm all alone again. Flicking through twitter and my ipod. Getting so depressed I end up reaching for a bottle. I miss my family, I miss people I love.". Adam paused a moment before choking out, "I don't wanna be alone anymore."

"Adam, baby you were never alone. I was always there for you, any hour of the day or night." Tommy answered softening.

As Adam looked up at his friend, Tommy's lips met his as his glitterbaby made the first move. Adam was used to always being the one in control, the one who started everything, but right now as his baby pressed him back onto the bed climbing on top of him to steal sweet yet steamy kisses he found himself kind of enjoying the role reversal.

"I don't wanna lose you, I wanna keep you." Tommy whispered in his ear nipping it, "Stop being a fucking idiot and doing stupid shit and accept the love that you deserve for once. The love that's always been right here waiting for you!"

"Do you know why I broke up with you kitty?" He asked stroking his hair.

"Because you fell for a macho man with nothing but rocks in his head?" He retorted annoyed.

"No, because I fell in love with you and didn't wanna hurt you. People I care about, it tends to end rather badly. I couldn't bare to risk losing you too. I would have spent forever as your friend rather then lose you entirely." He answered.

"Oh now I know you are just trying to get into my skinny jeans." Tommy joked.

"I meant it every damn word." He said with a pout.

Tommy kissed his ducky lip and nibbled at it. "Don't get too excited baby."

"Why ever not?" Adam demanded returning the kiss, "This is nice, very nice."

"I don't think your stitches will hold up to having any fun yet." Tommy warned pulling away to fetch the gifts and drop them on his lap. "I thought you needed some glitter and cheering up."

Adam opened the box of cakes, smiled and took a huge bite of one, smeering the icing on Tommy's lips just to kiss it off again. "We could have some fun with these." He commented moving to the second gift. He unwound the pretty ribbons, folding them and placing on the side for later reuse in a costume. He had a box of random ribbons, flowers, lace and leather scraps incase they were ever needed.

He ripped into the black paper and instantly got drowned in multi coloured glitter. His hair, the bed, his clothing, half of Tommý's leg. The guy snorted looking at Adam's face as he lay there sparkling.

"You DID NOT just turn me into Edward freaking Cullen!" Adam flumed.

Tommy snuck a picture on his camera phone gigging, "Just look what it is please."

Still muttering under his breath Adam pulled the rest of the paper off, showering them both in even more glitter. He froze as he read the words. "Thank you, so so much." He murmered, fighting crying again.

Tommy grabbed him into a glitter soaked hug. "I mean it, since you came into my life. You are my world Sparkles, you are my everything."

A few tear soaked hugs and kisses later, Tommy slipped under the blankets with Adam. "Just because you can't partisipate doesn't mean I can't do this." He said, snaking down Adam's body to take him in his mouth. Tempting the bulge through the mans underwear.

"Promise me something?" Adam sighed.

"Anything." Tommy answered carefully removing his underwear, making sure the stitches didn't get disterbed.

"Don't ever leave me, don't ever let me push you away." He begged, trying to keep his head as the pleasure started to grow.

"Have I ever yet?" Tommy asked, "Of course I'm not going anywhere, not ever." He clamped his mouth down and started to work.


	7. Chapter 7

**As Love Fades Away **  
**Chapter Seven**

Two weeks had passed since that day in the shower, they had finished the last few tour dates together with no more major issues. Adam wasn't himself yet not by a long shot, but he could hardly be expected to be after all he had been through. He was quiet, withdrawn when he was off stage and his proformances although a lot better were a little lacking in his usual sparkle still.

When they went out drinking after a gig, instead of partying until dawn, Adam would have a couple of drinks and excuse himself to go home to bed. Tommy would follow close behind and cuddle him through the night. They never slept together, not yet it wasn't time.

Tommy wanted to be really sure that Adam really wanted to be with him. They hadn't spoken about things since the night after the cutting. He knew that his honey wasn't in a place to be making big choices yet, just needed to feel loved and special.

Tommy had panicked about leaving Adam when the tour had ended, but leave him he had to do. The whole flight home they had held hands not saying a word. Completely ignoring the looks they were getting from the band, as well as other passengers. They had kissed goodbye at customs and headed into their seperate lives. Tommy to do some recording work with his old band, and Adam into talks about his upcoming third album. They missed each other greatly, but they text a lot and he rung Adam for hours every night, talking til his baby fell asleep so he knew he was okay.

Then something changed over night. Tommy text Adam a good morning, no answer. Didn't think too much of it, knew the guy was in the recording studio all day. As the hours rolled by with no answer, his concern grew. Then that night Adam didn't pick up when he rang over and over. Something was up big time. He let it slide though, perhaps he was just busy.

When the next day and night was exactly the same, he booked a few days off work and started packing. Scared so very much for his baby's safety after the last attack. He didn't want to risk losing him yet again. First thing next morning he dialed Adam and still nothing.

On the seventh redial he gained a grunted "What?".

"Adam, what the hell? I've been ringing for days. Are you okay?" Tommy demanded.

"Busy." Was the mumbled answer.

"Are you drunk?" He asked.

"I'm fine." One last mumble and the phone went back down.

"Oh shit." Tommy snapped, knowing the guy was out of his head again. He slammed on his laptop and did some speed online shopping. Then slammed into his car to drive back to New York.

Tommy found the apartment door slightly open, that was never a good sign. The house looked fine as he searched the rooms, nothing smashed or broken. He went up to the bedroom and found Adam sprawled passed out accross the bed. A half empty bottle of whisky, several empty ones and a pot of pills beside him. Something extremely xrated playing on the tv.

"Oh Adam!" He sighed, turning the tv off and sitting on the bed to shake him awake. "Come on sleeping beauty, time to rise and shine. It is the middle of the afternoon."

Adam groaned a few times, "Too early." Hiding his head back under the pillow and crawling away from the light as Tommy openned the blinds. "Kitty nooooooo." He complained, "Let me sleep already."

Tommy came over and ripped the pillow off of his head and the blankets off of the bed. The cool air from the open window chilling Adam's body, only clothed in black silky boxers. "Lambert, get up and shower right now. You stink!" He complained.

"Bad kitty, go find some cat nip and leave me alone." He moaned louder.

"When did you last shower or leave this room?" He demanded.

"Sunday morning, I went for some chips." Adam said, sitting up reluctantly rubbing his eyes, looking to see if he could steal the blankets back, but they were too far away.

"Its wednesday afternoon Adam, these pills are NOT helping you!" Tommy snapped, flushing them away.

"Its not monday?" He asked dully.

Tommy gave out a deep sigh. "No Adam, you just blacked out three days baby, what happened to set you off again?' He asked pulling him into a hug.

"I just, I was tired and lonely and I couldn't get the lyrics right. I didn't want to bother you, it was late and you would be sleeping." He mumbled, "I'm sorry I shouldn't let stuff get to me so much."

Tommy kissed him, "No you really shouldn't. Now shower, dress, no make up yet, and you need to pack a sexy change of going out clothes, and some swimming trunks long enough to hide your scars. You have half an hour, so move that fine ass."

Adam stared at him, "Where are we going?"

"I am going to give you exactly what you need baby." He answered.

"Oh really?" Adam asked, perking up and winking.

"I said what you need, not what you want." He answered, "MOVE IT!"

X. X. X. X. X. X. X.

An hour later they pulled up outside a health complex and left the car carrying their bags. "Why are we at some health freak place?" Adam asked suspicously.

Tommy smiled, "Maybe I bought out the pool, sauna, steam room and treatments so we would have a private afternoon without the press so you can finally chill out and relax for a while."

Adam smiled warmly and kissed him, "All of this is for me?" He asked excitedly.

"Well I wanted our first date to be special, one you would remember." Tommy smiled.

Adam stroked his cheek, "Is this a date kitty?"

"Do you want it to be?"

"I think that I would really enjoy if it was."

"Then its a date." Tommy smiled.

They changed their clothing quickly and headed to the pool and hot tub area. Tommy swam lengths as Adam chilled in the whirlpool sipping some lame virgin cocktail. He had been banned from drinking until it got dark. Leaning back letting the bubbles relax the tension in his aching spine.

Adam had to admit that this was a really nice idea. More thoughtful they anyone had been to him in a very long time. Sal would never have even concidered it, he always wanted Adam to take him out and pay for everything. "Kitty, will you stop exercising and just relax already!" He moaned as the boy swam past again.

"Can't, need to keep fit and look sexy for my baby." Tommy joked.

"You always look sexy glitters, you are most distractingly pretty." Adam commented.

Tommy always found the other man distractingly attractive, but it was strange to hear it said about himself. "Erm, thanks." He mumbled, coming to sit by his love. The whirlpool did feel good he had to admit, he even stole a sip of the others drink cheakily and gained a play pinch for it as they splashed around half drowning each other.

All too soon, they were fetched for their treatments, firstly they both sat through a manicure. Tommy knew that was one of Adam's favourite things to do to relax. From the huge smile on his face the day was working perfectly. Such a stupid little thing to do for the guy he loved, but he could tell by the reactions he was getting it was something done rarely if at all to him.

Tommy made a mental note to do this every few months to keep Adam on track. They hadn't even been here an hour, and yet his rockgod was back to his old flirty, joking self again. Next was a facial, so not his thing, but he remembered ages ago Adam ranting how good mud packs were. So they sat there for far too long covered in mud and pieces of cucumber. It did feel kinda nice though, and his skin was softer afterwards so perhaps there was something in it all.

Next nothing but towels wrapped around them, Tommy led Adam to the massage room. The whole place smelled of insence and candles on every surface, soft sounds of waves crashing on the CD player as they laid down for the treatments.

Tommy had picked two very sexy guys to be their handlers, who strangely happened to be half dressed. Now that he hadn't picked, but he wouldn't object given the eye candy value. The men were certainly goo at their jobs, within just a few minutes the aching muscles in Tommy's back were unknotting and feeling better then they had in a long time.

He could see Adam's eyes slowly drooping as he was worked on, that warmed his heart as the man sighed contentedly and drifted completely chilled out. Tears almost falling at the sudden changes in him, wishing that he had pulled this retreat sooner. If he had known what kind of effect it would have had then he would have.

By the end of the hours session, Tommy was also finding it very hard to stay awake. They were left alone with the music still playing softly, to recover in their own time. Succoming to the warm glow inside, he let himself drift as well knowing all was right in his little world.

Until Adam sitting up and stretching woke him again. "Hey kitty." He smiled.

"Sparkles," Tommy nodded sitting up as well, "Enjoying your day?"

"Its perfect, thank you baby."

"Its not over yet, sauna or steam room?"

"Oh steam room everytime!" Adam didn't like the dry heat.

They lingered in the ceder scented hot steam room for quite a while, Adam with his eyes closed and head on one of the stone pillows.

"Are you asleep?" Tommy asked softly.

"No kitty, just drowsy and relaxed." He murmered, "Too damn relaxed."

Tommy smiled, "You can go back to sleep baby, its okay. This is what today is meant for, a total chill out for you and recharge your batteries after the tour."

"Then I don't get to enjoy your wonder company," Adam commented, "Thank you so much baby, you were right. I did need to stop and take a step back. I never realised how tired I was, but you could clearly see everything."

Kitty snuck over, prowling accross his body to kiss him. "Now that's what steam rooms should be for." Adam commented, "Getting steamy in." He pulled Tommy down on top of him, kissing back with a relaxed passion of someone half asleep.

He couldn't remember when he last felt so alive or happy. As they kissed he realised that he couldn't remember the last time he had had sex, and certainly not with someone he loved.

Right now thanking Tommy properly for his sweet and amazing gift was the only thing on his mind. The kisses grew to feverish levels in the warm room, the heat and almost public nature making it all the more exciting for both of them. Adam stripped Tommy's towel off of him with one flick and started stroking him relentlessly.

"You are meant to be resting." Tommy choked out between kisses.

"Enough resting already, time for some long awaited pleasure." He whispered, biting his neck.

"Oh that's mean." He moaned, so the action was repeated several times until he disrobed Adam's body as well. Stroking and teasing in return, never had they gone further then this not even when they first dated. Tommy had always been nervous. He was a virgin, to men anyway. Finally today, he felt like he was ready to go all the way. "Adam?" He gasped.

"Yes kitty?" He answer from somewhere around the region of his stomach, kissing as he flipped Tommy onto his back to take some control back in the situation.

"Would you..." Tommy stumbled, "Could we..."

"What are you trying to ask baby?" Adam asked concerned, "What's wrong glitters? You are shaking!" He pulled right back fast, scared of what he must have done. "Did I push too far? Did I hurt you?"

"No its nothing like that." Tommy sighed, "I don't know how to put it, kind of awkward to say."

"You can tell me anything glitterbaby, I promise!" He said starting to seriously freak out.

Tommy cast his eyes to the floor shifting nervously. "Tonight." He coughed, "Tonight can we erm...finish what we always start?"

Adam looked confused at him, "Huh?"

Tommy went redder as Adam slowly caught on. "You are going to make me say it aren't you?"

"If you are too embarressed to say it, then you are far too embarressed to do it. IF I'm thinking what I think you are thinking." He smiled.

"FINE!" Tommy snapped, "Tonight will you fuck me and steal my remaining virginity."

Adam pulled him close and hugged him, kissing tenderly. "If you really are sure you are ready, then I would be honoured to be your very first my beloved kitty."

Tommy kissed him hungrily, wanting nothing more then to be taken right now, but this was neither the time nor the place. "I'm so ready, its all I can think about when I am near you!"

Adam laughed, "Its all I can think about as well, your body drives me wild. That scent you wear, one sniff of it and my mind starts slipping into the gutter."

"There's something about a guy who wears more make up then a girl." He joked back.

"I suggest that when we go to dinner you call a cab, and you have a few strong drinks. It will be a lot easier if you relax." Adam advised, "If you are tense and nervous it will hurt you and I couldn't bare that. Not to see my pretty kitty in pain."

They kissed long and lingeringly, leaving them both desperate for some true privacy.

"Let's get out of here." Tommy said breathing heavily.

"First we should shower." Adam commented.

"Oh yeah." He said looking disappointed.

"I never said alone kitty!" Adam answered, pulling Tommy after him.


	8. Chapter 8

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter Eight**

**Authors note, sorry for the delay RL sucks right now and this piece was really hard for me to write.**

The showering had taken quite a while, everytime Tommy had tried to cut out, then Adam had pulled him back in and kissing him even more. Tommy was heading into a meltdown of horniness, he didn't know how the hell he was going to make it through dinner without slamming his lover onto the table and making out with him.

Adam had pleasured him in the shower, to relieve some of the pleasure and he had returned the favour. Even so, as he watched the man wigging into those way too tight leather trousers, his mind slipped straight back into the gutter.

He ached to be within Adam or Adam inside of him, with every fibre of his being. He tried to apply his make up, but his shaking hand made it extremely difficult to work on anything.

"Relax glitterbaby, you are going for a meal not going to a funeral!" Adam commented, stealing the make up to finish the job off.

"Yeah, just dinner." Tommy answered nervously.

"Breathe and relax baby, there's no pressure. Let's just see where the night takes us. If it doesn't happen that's okay too!" He insisted.

"But I want this, and so do you!" He replied.

"There's such a thing as wanted something too much." Adam commented.

They took a taxi to the resterant, a nice little grill they both loved. Adam piled into a huge burger stack and fries and all the various dips and side orders. While Tommy worked his way through a much more modest portion of BBQ chicken and ribs.

"You and your red meat obsession!" Tommy joked watching.

"You and your damn rabbit food, no wonder you are so very skinny. I am going to have to feed you up a lot glitters, so I don't exhaust you too badly." He winked, "Plenty of ice cream for you later on and chocolate."

Tommy winked back, "Don't forget the whipped cream?"

"Oh, someone is just trying to impress me now!" Adam laughed.

The dinner went well, as Adam kept topping up the other man's glass everytime it ran a little low. He kept himself mostly sober, wanting to make sure that he would be in full control of himself later to romance his partner in the way that he deserved. Drinking just enough to put him in the mood, and then stopping and swopping to fruity coktails that no one would notice had nothing else in them.

He kept the conversation light and free, keeping Tommy relaxed. The wine was helping, the boy didn't have much tolerance for drinking at the best of times. Adam smiled as his lover started answering back more and more energetically as it kicked in. Yes, he would be nicely relaxed and in the mood later on.

They lingered over coffee and whisky, he wanted to keep the evening at a slow and steady pace. Not pressure the other into anything, just going with the flow and see where it took them. He really didn't mind in the slightest if they had sex or not, that was all down to when Tommy felt ready enough to allow him such trust.

Normally Adam would rush into bed with people damn fast, get what he wanted and leave. The fact that he was willing to wait so long for something that may or may not happen, was a real testiment to how deeply he was in love with this man. It scared him a little just how much he really felt for the other.

He may have toured the world preaching the truths of love and loving yourself, but he had long since lost the ability to believe in such things for himself. Too many bad break ups, too many broken hearts, he fell in love far too easy. At least he had thought each time it had been love, but now he saw that it was barely a shallow imitation of the true meaning of the word. He wondered if Tommy know that he had written 'Music Again' about him? How greatful he was for the undivided love and friendship he had been shown?

As they left, Tommy went to hail a taxi, but Adam pulled him back. "Maybe we should walk back?" He suggested.

"Adam, I'm kinda drunk for that." He mumbled.

"Don't worry baby, I won't let you make a fool of yourself. I promise you my love." He said, wrapping his arm around the others waist.

"You better not!" Tommy answered, kissing him.

"Oh no, none of that yet baby!" Adam said, pecking his lips quickly and leading him away.

They walked back slowly through the park, Tommy cuddling into Adam's shoulder as they travelled. It had been a perfect day, and a wonderous evening. He didn't think that he had ever been as happy as he was right now.

The fairy lights swinging from high in the trees made the walk really romantic. Every so often Adam would planet a kiss on the side of his neck making his pulse race. He had to bite this lip to prevent himself moaning at the long senual contacts between them.

He barely even knew his way around this place, but clearly the other knew every little dark pathway, even at this time of night. "You must come here a lot?" Tommy asked.

Adam smiled and nodded, rewarding him with a lingering kiss. "I come here to write sometimes, it helps me to consentrate to be here in this mist of all this beauty."

"It isn't a patch on yours." Tommy commented.

"Someone is more then a little drunk, isn't he?" Adam teased.

"You made me that way, you kept on making me drink!" Tommy replied blushing.

"I never made you do anything you were unwilling to do and I never would do so." He answered.

"I know you wouldn't baby." Tommy answered, kissing him again. Wishing that they were somewhere a little less public, which was exactly the whole point of the exercise. He was meant to want this more then anything else in the world. Make the antisipation of the act linger on, never letting him know exactly when it was going to happen or if it even would. Drive him half to the point of insanity, allow him to calm a little, and then drive him right back up there again.

One last turn in the park and Adam lead them to a small apartment building, up a set of service steps to a tiny fourth floor apartment. He openned the door and let them inside. It was lavishly furnished in old wooden furnishings, a large flat screen tv, shelves upon shelves full of cd's and dvd's, a huge snuggly padded sofa, a desk cluttered with papers, a very comfortable, homely place. Three doors slid off of the main room, he assumed that they were to the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom. An ipod started up playing as Adam turned the lighting dimmer, mozart playing in the back ground.

"What is this place?" Tommy asked.

"My secret hide away when I want some peace and quiet. I have never brought anyone back here before now." He admitted.

Tommy teared up and hugged him tightly, his head relaxing into the other man's soft chest. "I love you, so much more then I can say. It means the world to me, that you trust me so very much."

Adam settled his love down on the sofa and busied off into the other room. Tommy lay there nervously waiting for him to come back. He didn't expect the sight of a tray of hot chocolate with marshmallows, and two huge bowls of chocolate ice cream. He looked confused, but it didn't stop him grabbing the bowl of his favourite treat to enjoy.

Adam ate his slowly, carefully, seductivly watching the other man the whole time, as he licked his spoon. Knowing full well the effect it was having. Tommy looked flushed, and started sipping the hot drink nervously. Adam smiled, this evening was going just perfectly, the guy looked about ready to slam him back into the sofa himself if he wasn't so nervous. Adam leaned forward to give Tommy a chocolatey kiss to test out just how needy he was.

From the hunger in the return of the kiss, it seemed pretty damn needy. He tried to hold onto him as Adam pushed away and lay their cups and bowls out of the way. He pulled Tommy towards him, kissing him deeply, pushing him firmly back on the sofa. The man responded in kind, pulling at his shirt buttons. Undoing them rapidly, running his cool hands over that well muscled chest.

"I love you." Tommy mumbled as the missing grew feverish.

"I love you too glitters, a little more every single day of my life." Adam responded.

He pulled the teeshirt over Tommy's head, reaching for his spoon to drip melted ice cream down the others chest, and licking it off all seductively. Running his tongue around his nipple as the boy squirmed beneath him. His body grinding against him in just the right way. Their erections pressing against each other even through their jeans.

Adam pulled at Tommy's belt, undoing it and pulled his trousers and boxers down to tease the aching muscle. Kissing lower and lower as Tommy slipped into a series of growing in volume moans. Adam took his tip in his mouth circling it with his tongue, doing his very best to be as tormenting as possible.

As Tommy slid down into a level of mindless breathy moans, he started to feel nervous himself. Did he have the right to be his first? He was a slut, who had slept with half the world, or at least tried to. Surely Tommy deserved better then that, better then him? Could he ever make up for his past sins? Did he truely deserve redemption? Did he truely deserve to experience true love and eternal happiness?

Tommy sensed it from him and pulled Adam's head up to kiss him. "Adam, I love you with all my heart. There's nothing wrong with you. I want this, I want you every single day for the rest of my life. I want to wake up in your arms every morning, and kiss your soft lips. Adam, please make love to me. Show me that you want this too. Show me that I am not wrong to love you as deeply and passionately as I do. I've waited so damn long to know how you really feel, for you to be brave enough to admit the truth to yourself, so you could finally admit it to me!"

That was enough for Adam, he had two choices now, cry, or...

Well he went for option two: Dragging Tommy off of the sofa and into the bedroom. Slamming him down on the bed, swiftly removing the rest of their clothing. If his baby needed sex, then his baby was going to get everything he wanted. If he was good at anything, it was bringing pleasure to other people. After all he had plenty of practise at it!

Turning Tommy over, he prepaired him as gently and seductively as he could, taking his time with the lube. Each gasp from his love gaining in desperation. "Adam!" He groaned.

He laughed, "Are you needy beloved?" Kissing down his neck.

"Adam if you don't start to pick up the pace then I am going to chain you to this bed and torture you until you give me what I want!" He muttered.

That made Adam laugh even more. "I never took you for being so kinky baby, I shall have to have even more fun with you next time!" Reguardless, he did as he was bi, covering himself and gently working his way inside.

"Oh dear god!" Tommy moaned at the first few strokes in and out. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting of his first time, but it certainly wasn't the mind blowing pleasure already threatening to tear him in half.

"Nice baby?" Adam asked, "Do you want some more?" He drove in a little harder, trying to work out what his lover liked.

"I'm moaning like a cheap tart whataya think!" He gasped.

"Screaming my name would be nice!" He commented. As he slammed in as hard as he could, stroking Tommy roughly at the same time. He was close, way too close for his liking. Something about this man just made him lose complete control and NO WAY was the great Adam Lambert going to ruin his reputation by satisifying himself before his lover. So he would have to very seductively cheat.

Tommy moaned so loudly he was sure the whole apartment building must have heard them, balling his hands in the sheets. "Adam, please stop." He whispered.

"Are you hurting baby?" He asked worried, pausing to kiss him.

Tommy blushed, "No, I just I'm..."

Adam smiled, "That's okay baby just enjoy this. Relax and let go, let me carry you over the edge."

Tommy tried his best to relax, even with the fire building so very deep inside of him. As his lover took him more and more roughly, almost pinning him to the bed he was riding him to hard. One hand slamming them harder into each other, while the other stroked his tip. Which was already shivering with heightened sensativity.

Then all of a sudden it all snuck up on him at once as Adam bit down on his neck and he did scream Adam's name as he came to an exhausting, but completely thrilling climax.

Barely able to hold on himself, Adam drove in a couple more times until he came as well, moaning louder then he had ever thought possible. They both collasped on the bed in each others arms as they cleaned up the mess. Cuddling and kissing, perfectly content in the world.

Just as Tommy was about to fall to sleep, Adam whispered "Would you like to move in with me?"

Tommy smiled, "I can pack tomorrow."


	9. Chapter 9

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter Nine**

**Authors Note: extremely angsty chapter to follow, and repeat once again that this is nothing against Sal it just works in the storyline to go with something I am revealing in chapter ten.**

Tommy stood in his apartment surrounded by boxes trying to work out what he needed at Adam's and what to put into storage, if anything. He really didn't have that much stuff and it was mostly clothes. A few computer games and dvds, his xbox and his guitars and music. Most of it he couldn't bare to be without, but would it fit into that small parkside apartment?

They had agreed to move in together, but they hadn't spoken about which of Adam's homes yet. He had the private NYC flat, a larger one accross town, and then of course his LA main base. He knew that Adam spent a lot of time in the private home, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to make them offical or not yet.

The man was very private and liked to keep his business to himself and out of the press as much as possible. Always scared that the haters and the abuse which came hand in hand with his work would destory those he loved. Tommy had been with the band four years now, since the very start. So no way was he going anywhere. He loved the man too much for that.

And the haters? FUCK THEM!

He knew the truth and that was all that mattered. Hell Adam said as much as 'hi' to someone and the next day the press said he had screwed them! There had been so many rumours about both of them over the years, he was used to it by now.

It had hurt at first and hell sometimes it still did, and he would lurk off to play his guitar for hours. On his own until he was strong again, they would make it through he knew that. All they needed was each other, that's all they had ever needed.

Tommy had to wipe his eyes to hide the tears falling, that now he finally had everything he had ever dreamed of in his life. It was just so surreal, it was still sinking in that he was moving in with Adam fucking Lambert of all people! That he would even look twice at a nobody like him. Sometimes he still wondered what on earth was so special about him that it had attracted that breathtaking man?

He was lost in thought still, half way through packing a box of dvds when Adam walked in behind him. He wrapped his arms around the blonde and kissed his neck. "Are you done yet baby?" He asked.

Tommy twisted around to kiss him, "Well I'm not sure what to take, where we are moving to. If there gonna be room for me or my things."

Adam shook his head, "I've even cleaned out my wardrobe to make space for you baby. Throw actual clothing away! Bags of it, any idea how much that burns me?"

Tommy play fainted in his arms at the idea of Adam throwing clothes away for love. Until the other man kissed him back to life. "I guess Glitters that you keep a few less personal bits at the secret apartment and spread the rest between my other two homes. We will be moving between them regularly, but you are used to the traveling."

Adam handed over a small key chain covered in marked keys. "All you need to get in all three homes. Come and go through any of them whenever you want to." He offered.

Tommy was choked up, "You really mean that?"

"Of course baby, every single work of it, I love you. And maybe one day the question that scared Sal away, you might like to answer for me." He asked shyly.

Tommy beamed back, "Yeah I think one day I would love to answer that question if you ever asked me."

And that was that, Tommy moved his stuff into the houses. Adam had looked through how few clothes he actually had. Hanging limply in a tiny side section of the massive walk in wardrobe when he had cleared him three full bays.

An hour later they were in the mall and Adam was buying him a whole new wardrobe. No matter how many times he objected and said he didn't need anything, it didn't stop them coming home with a million bags full.

Everything from boxes and boxes of make up, to a new leather jacket, band tee shirts, a million pairs of tight skinny jeans, and three new pairs of boots. Tommy had fretted over paying for it all, but Adam had put his foot down that he was treating his boyfriend and that was that!

They had dined in a nice little Italien on the way back to the apartment. A lovely relaxing perfect day for them both. Adam was doing so well now it was hard to even think that just a few days ago he had been a ruined wreck and Tommy had nearly lost him for good.

Tommy unpacked the clothes slowly and put them away. Sneaking a look at the pricetags and making a mental count, he was shocked to see that Adam has spent thousands on him for no other reason then he could. That was just mind blowing, he would have to plan something sneaky again to make his lover smile.

Distracted he heard someone knock on the door and Adam answering. He didn't think so much of it, just carried on piling a dozen new pairs of jeans onto a shelf. He loved the blood red ones, they would look amazing on stage. He had also been bought a loose red silk over shirt which would be amazing with it. He hung the shirt, buttoning it slowly. It really was wonderful, hell all the stuff he had been treated to was.

Not all of it was what he would usually wear, but it certainly worked. Seemed Adam had a real talent for dressing other people and he enjoyed it as well. Tommy pulled his new make up case out of a bag. It was three times the size of his old one, he had no idea why he needed so much make up as he piled his new pieces inside. But it was still barely a tenth of what his boyfriend owned, that guy had a serious crush on the stuff. Always said make up was his armour, with the life style he lived, Tommy could see why he needed some.

He heard a noise from downstairs, was that arguing? No it couldn't be! Why would Adam be fighting? He was one of the most placid laid back guys Tommy knew usually. He barely ever lost his temper and usually only then when he was so wasted he couldn't control himself.

Tommy hung up a jacket, and heard a crash downstairs. Now that clearly was something! He rushed downstairs to see what was happening.

X

Moving in day had been slow, but amazing for both of them. Adam had helped Tommy with the unpacking and finding a place for everything. He had been shocked and concerned by how few belongings that man had other then what he brought on tour with him.

The piles of clothing he owned were truely pathetic, how could anyone live with so little?! And the make up box had about four items in it! That had prompted Adam to drag his boyfriend on a long shopping trip as a treat. The boy had argued a lot about paying, until he had threatened to kick him out the apartment. Pointed out that Tommy had paid for the spa day and basically ended up slipping into I do what I bloody want and I want to treat you, so suck it up already!

The day had been full of laughter, and good times. They had even stopped for a nice meal on the way home, everything was finally working out for them. Adam couldn't stop smiling everytime he looked at his love, the man who had saved his life. His reason to keep on fighting, keep on trying to be a better man.

Then Tommy had staggered up to the bedroom with all his bags, leaving Adam curled up on the sofa watching sports relaxing. Long days he still wasn't quite used to again after the black out binges. They did still exhaust him more then they should. He found himself dozing off, warm, comfortable and happy. The man he loved was with him, he didn't need anything else in life.

Adam's eyes slipped closed and the remote slipped from his lap to land on the rug at his feet and he slept deeply for a change until someone knocking at the door disterbed him.

Blinking Adam rubbed his eyes, cursing as his fingers came back black from the eyeliner. He wiped them on a tissue and staggered towards the door still half asleep. He figured Tommy must have nipped out and forgotten his keys. He was greatly surprised to find Sal on his door stop, so much so he never even stopped the blonde pushing into the room.

Sal shut the door with a snap and turned on Adam straight away. "How dare you not call me?" He demanded, "I have been waiting for you for weeks to realise what a monster you have been and to come and beg my forgiveness! Then to ask me the question again in the correct mannor and I might decide to answer it!" He made himself comfortable on the sofa.

"Come again?" Adam asked him shock.

"You need to fire that guitarest of yours, I won't permit there to be any temptation from that blonde temptress again? And I won't stand you living here all the time when you are not touring either. You can buy a nice house in my country. I already have a shortlist you can pick from for after the wedding. And I expect you to only tour for no more then half the year so we get plenty of time together, and you can star in my reality show, but not too much. I am the star of it NOT you!" Sal said very matter of factly.

"No!" Adam snapped, "I am not firing Tommy, he is the best guitarest I have ever had. Why the hell would I want to marry you or move in with you? You left me! And now you think you have the right months on to slam back into my life and I would just have waited for you?!"

Sal lept up off the sofa, "You slept with him didn't you? That cheap little whore?"

"That's none of your business, and he is NOT a whore. Get out of my house and back out of my life and never come back!" Adam snapped.

"I'm going to kill that little fucking slut! How dare he touch what is MINE! And you will be mine Lambert, make no mistake about that!" Sal snapped, he kicked the coffee table, smashing it into the wall shattering it.

"Get out NOW or I am calling the police." Adam said coldly reaching for the phone.

Sal grabbed Adam and slammed his face into the wall. "Touch that phone and I'm going to kill you, do you understand me? You are going to be mine whether you like it or not!"

Adam fought, but Sal had his hands pulled up tightly behind him and was starting to bind them in something. Pushing him off balance so he couldn't get the strength to push back and escape. "Get off of me!" He snarled, trying not to freak out at the unwanted touch.

Next thing Adam knew he was free, and Tommy had sailed passed him, knocked Sal to the floor. He pulled his hands free from the unfinished bonds and dialed the police fast.

"Oh look, the little whore! We all know how you got into the band!" He commented.

"Just jealous because Adam asked me to move in not you!" Tommy commented getting up, and staring over to see if Adam was okay.

Just distracted enough for that one second that Sal got a good punch in. Tommy staggered back before getting a few good hits back in. Adam was shaking on the floor with the phone trying to compose himself to go and help his friend, but he just couldn't. Shock was setting in far too fast, his mind turning to mush as dark old memories resurfaced.

Tommy was hitting Sal over the head with a chair as the cops came in and grabbed them. They took statements and bailed the foul creature away. Adam barely choked his way through the statement, and having his bruises already coming up photgraphed.

When the house was finally empty and they were alone, Tommy went to hug him, but Adam pulled away sharply. "Leave me alone." He said quietly and ran upstairs leaving a very confused Tommy starting at his retreating back


	10. Chapter 10

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter Ten. **  
**(Adam's breaking point)**

Adam staggered to the bathroom, he couldn't be near Tommy right now. He couldn't be near anyone at all, he was going down badly and he knew it. The memories that he had buried, crushed so deeply for so long were now hammering back at his awareness. The bruises and scrapes on his wrists and back burning him just like the last time. Just like every single time he had been hurt.

Tommy couldn't know just how damaged he was, how broken, how disgusting! He wouldn't just walk away, he would fucking run! And Adam wouldn't blame him in the slightest. He was nothing, he was no one and whatever money, fame or fortune h posessed. Whatever he made of himself, he could never change the rotten black core of his being. the darkness that tainted his soul, the unworthiness of his body. The foul, evil, twisted spirit that hid inside of him. The part of himself that you could only refer to at monster.

Adam leaned on the sink trying to balance out his spinning mind and find some place of inner peace somewhere, somehow to build his walls back up and hide again away from his past. Leave it buried and long forgotten like he kept trying. The past didn't want to be given up without a fight though. He couldn't focas, all he could think of was that man hurting him. The smell of his aftershave, the pain in his wrists and odin save him for this, enjoying the tortures. He was a sick, disgusting person! How could he get off on being harmed or harming himself!

His stomach rolled and he slammed to the toilet just in time, sinking to his knees as he threw up. Shaking, sweating, broken. How could he ever come back from this? He had barely survived the last time, almost given up on music forever. How could he do it yet again?

He needed a drink he knew that, he needed a whole world of drinks, but Tommy wasn't gonna just let him get wasted he was pretty sure. If he went out there, he would want to talk and Adam would have to explain and he just couldn't face that right now. Couldn't stand looking into his lovers eyes. If he said one word of comfort to him right now, then Adam knew that he would shatter into a million pieces.

Rinsing his mouth out, he peeled off his clothing and discarded it. When he felt better he would burn every piece, he didn't care how much it had cost. He never wanted to see it again. He ran a boiling hot shower and got underneath the water. Scrubbing his skin until it bleed. Trying to wash away the thoughts and emotions behind the new batch of scars. Tears came all too soon, mixing with the soapy water on his face. Sobbing Adam sunk to his knees in the shower lost in a world of pain.

X. X. X. X. X. X

Tommy was hurt, but he left Adam to his own devices for a while. The guy had been through a lot, he deserved some space. As hours passed by he started to worry more and more about his lovers mental health. That shower seemed to have been running forever.

He paced the living room nervously, he had already thrown away the remains of the table and chair and cleaned up as best as he could so it looked normal again.

A few more long minutes passed and he could wait no more, Tommy slammed upstairs and knocked on the door. No answer, so he knocked a little louder. He heard a slight splash, but nothing else. "Adam are you okay in there? Let me in please."

Still nothing at all, "Adam let me in baby please, I wanna see that you are okay." A whimper was the most answer he got. That was it, he kicked the door a few times until the lock gave in and he slammed inside.

He found a naked sobbing Adam sat in the shower with a razor infront of him untouched, just staring at it. Tommy grabbed the blade and threw it away, turning the water off and grabbing a robe to throw around his cold shoulders. "Shh Adam, its okay baby." He crooned sitting in the wet shower to cuddle him not caring how damp he was getting doing it. "Its all okay now, Sal is gone and he can't hurt you anymore. I promise that we will get that bastard dealt with. Get a damned withstraining order on him tomorrow so he can never touch you again!"

That didn't quite end as Tommy expected when Adam pushed passed him roughly to throw up. The man was half hysterical, and barely aware of his surroundings. He waited while the man finished, and handed him water to rinse his mouth. Adam's legs buckled beneath him, and Tommy had to grab him fast to stop him going down.

Slinging his arms around his shoulders he moved Adam slowly to the bedroom, and fetched a towel to sit him on the bed and dry him off. Before tipping him under the blankets and fetching him a strong drink. Watching as his boyfriend sipped it slowly before he spoke. "That wasn't your first attempted rape was it?" He asked softly, sitting on the bed next to him.

Adam shook his head gulping the drink a lot faster. "I've been raped a few times." He rasped.

"Do you wanna tell me about it?" Tommy asked gently, taking his hand and stroking it.

Adam shook his head roughly, "I don't wanna lose the only good thing in my life."

Tommy pulled him into a soft embrace, kissing him. "Why would that make me leave you baby? I've been raped too a very long time ago, high school." He shrugged, "I always knew that you had been too, you can always tell, but I was waiting for you to trust me enough to admit to it when you were ready."

Adam kisses him back softly, "Yeah high school was one of them, my maths tutor. Enrolled for extra classes to improve my number dyslexia, late night study sessions at his home and at weekends. That turned out to be a lot less about study and a lot more about 'paying' for my improving grades." He drained the remainder of the drink trying not to shake too badly.  
Tommy seeing the state of him fetched the bottle and topped up the glass. "I'm sorry baby, you were so young to have that happen. For me it was some drunken jocks on prom night. Couldn't get anywhere with his girl, so decided to try it on with the next passing person. Which just happened to be me fetching my bike to go home. Five of them, I didn't stand a chance. I missed the rest of senior year healing up." It was a very sore memory, but he knew he had to let out something to keep Adam talking and try and find out exactly why he was so broken.

"I was five." He murmered draining the freshly filled glass in one gulp.

"YOU WERE WHAT?!" Tommy exploded, "How the hell did your parents let that happen? Where were they during all of this?!"

"Sick, my mom she was in hospital and pop was taking care of her. They left me with a close trusted family friend and sent me for extra classes with our Rabbi. They thought I would be safe there, but neither one ended well. They don't know baby, no one does only you. I never told a soul before today about what happened." He answered quietly.

"You have to tell them, they have to know what they did to you!" Tommy growled pacing the floor. He took a long swig straight from the bottle trying to process it all. "Five years old, oh jeeze just a baby. Only a sweet little innocent child. No wonder you are so insecure and fucked up Lambert! How could anyone do that?! To a child! That's sick, disgusting, brutal, I'm gonna kill them! Who are they?!"

Adam shook his head, "They are both long dead." He stole the bottle and took a long drink himself before passing it back. Screw glasses, he wanted to blot everything out now and pray that when he woke tomorrow his beloved was still there by his side.

Wheels turning in Tommy's head now, he stopped dead in front of Adam abd asked something chilling. "What happened between you and Monte? You were both so loving towards each other and then suddenly he just ups and leaves the band. Sueing you and then you just happen to end up in a bar fight that leaves you in a coma?"

Adam's heart sunk,"Its complicated, really complex and it doesn't matter glitters."

That was enough for his boyfriend to know it was pure bullshit, he sat back down on the bed. "Tell me everything, I'm not running, not going anywhere, not ever!"

Eyes on the carpet ever so slowly Adam started to speak, talking about how they had met and Monte had expressed an interest that he had politely refused. Then one drunken night on the tour Monte had pressed Adam into sex and it had been really good, but next morning he had told the guitarest that was it now. He wasn't interested in him that way, but Monte hadn't been able to accept that.

He had pushed Lambert into situations where he touched him or hurt him until he was given what he wanted and they did sleep together. Adam tried to get away from him, but eventually they would be alone together. Then Monte would beat him, half strange him and burn his body with cigerettes until he was too weak to fight back. Hell he had even cut him a few times with a broken beer bottle.

Tommy wept silently as he was walked slowly though the tortures that Adam had endured all that time. So sick inside that he had been right there and never noticed what was going on infront of his eyes. Felt guilty for not sharing a taxi when he had been asked and all the times he had left them alone together.

When Adam went onto detail how he had started to enjoy the game, how he had looked forward to the pain knowing that great pleasure was going to follow it. That the second Monte hit him, he could feel the excitement in his body and himself growing hard in antisipation. Sobbing his eyes out as he did so, Tommy decided that enough was enough now and shh'd him, holding him close to his chest, rocking him as he cried.

"There's nothing wrong with you baby for enjoying it. Nothing sick or twisted, only wrong thing is that he forced you into it all. Over a year of that bullshit was bound to leave scars along with your childhood. I still love you with all my heart, I'm still here and I'm not leaving." Tommy promised.

That was it, 26 years of a floodgate of repressed emotions came flooding out of Adam. He held his lover as he cried himself out. All the fears, pain and insecurity beaten into him at such a tender age. All the stuff he had suffered, Tommy was so damn proud of him that he had made it and he murmered that into Adam's hair as he sobbed.

Eventually the goth boy cried himself to sleep in Tommy's arms, and he tipped him into bed, undressing to his boxers and climbing in beside him to hold him safe from the nightmares until morning. Planning something to take the pain away for him. Something to bring the man a little peace before the 'We are Glamily' tour kicked off.


	11. Chapter 11

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter 11**

The next day went by in a blur of hospital exams, tests, photographs, police statements and dramas. Tommy stood at Adam's side the whole time, but he could see the toll it was still taking on his lover. He looked grey, tired and frankly old. Exhausted, with no make up on, he had just slung on any pair of jeans and a loose fitting shirt, running his fingers through his hair not even bothering to gel it. He had never seen Adam so raw and open, out in public just looking average. The light in his eyes dulled by pain, by misery. Clearly fighting a losing battle against tears.

Tommy wondered just how many times the man had been exactly in this position, having to be examined, poked and prodded after such a violent attack. He couldn't imagine how painful it must be to be laid bare infront of so many strangers. Parading around the assult like it was a stageshow to enjoy. He must be in mental agony suffering it all, constantly reliving the attack everytime.

Finally the withstraining order was in place, a panic number for them to ring if the man came anywhere near and a date set for the court case. Adam wouldn't have to appear, just give a statement. There were enough witnesses to the event and Sal had already confessed to the attack.

It seemed that he was wanted already for several other sexual attacks on both men and woman, in Finland and USA. That hadn't helped Adam's mood any, to find out he had been living with a multiple sex fiend for over two years. He had needed a few stiff drinks after that news before he could continue, which was starting to get to him after not eatting for nearly a day.

Tommy guided him out of the police station and back to his waiting car. "Are you okay baby?" He asked.

Adam shrugged and bailed into the back of the car, sighing in relief at being out of sight finally. Letting his eyes slip closed for a few moments.

"Would you like a coffee?" Tommy asked.

Adam nodded tiredly, "I would love one baby."

Tommy left the car to lurk to Starbucks, via a chemist for a box of sleeping tablets. He shamelessly spiked the drink mixing the two together. His lover needed rest, free of the nightmares he'd been awake half the night over. He might get shouted at for it later, but he would take that risk. Anything to look after the only thing in this world he would die without.

Tommy climbed in the front and passed over the spiked coffee, and a bag with a sandwich and some cake. "You gotta eat something." He warned.

Adam shook himself out of a doze and picked at the sandwich half heartedly, sipping the coffee savouring in the caffine rush. "Thanks for today." He said quietly.

Kitty smiled back munching heartily on his own mega sandwich, he always ate like a pig but never seemed to put much weight around. Too much bouncing around the stage full of red bull and jelly sweets.

The way the coffee was being knocked back, he knew Lambert would be passed out very soon, this his cunning plan could make an appearance. Sneakily checking his phone that all the bookings were confirmed. "Anything you wanna do?" He asked.

Adam sighed, giving up on the food, his stomach just couldn't take it right now. "Can we just go for a drive for a while? I don't wanna go home."

He grinned perfect idea, the fresh air would only help the medication kick in faster. He took the empty coffee cup and threw the rubbish away. Scrolling the windows down as he drove, putting some David Bowie on the CD player. Talking mindlessly letting Adam take comfort in the sound of his voice. It wasn't long before soft snores were coming from the back seat.

Tommy swung by their flat, hurriedly packed two small cases and threw them in the back of the car. Taking care not to wake the sleeping passenger, making his was along the highway to a long weekend get away.

Long hours later just as they were pulling up at their destination Adam stirred murmering in his sleep his lovers name. The boy pulled up and hurried out the car to pull the passeneger door open to be at his side shhing him.

Adam wasn't truely awake, in some sort of half state. Tommy rushed to the door of the hut unlocking it and taking the cases inside before he came back for his baby. "Wake up Adam, come on sparkles." He said shaking him.

All Adam did was murmer incoherently into his shoulder and bury his face into his neck. Poor man must be more exhausted then he'd thought. Encouraging the sleepy man, Tommy managed to get him on his feet, one arm around his waist and into the house.

Tumbling him onto the bed to strip off his boots and jeans, before throwing a blanket over him. He kissed Adam's forehead, "Sleep well beautiful." Before heading off to find some food.


	12. Chapter 12

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter 12**

**Authors Note: Two chapters to go, hope you are ready.**

Adam floated in a peaceful sea of tranquil dreams, safe and warm in the arms of his lover. Knowing that nothing could hurt him while he was there. The nightmares came now and then, his body shudder under the after effects. Kitty stroking his hair, kissing him until he calmed down again. Drifting back into that fuzzy perfection that kept him so safe and content.

The sun was very low in the sky when he finally woke up, and he was alone in bed. Looking around at a completely unfamiler room. Sparsely decorated with just a wardrobe, chest of drawers, huge bed and a pair of french doors dominating one lone wall. Covered in heavy curtains.

Stumbling out of bed realising he was still mostly dressed, Adam staggered over to the curtains and pulled them open. His jaw dropped as he was met with a huge expanse of beach, and surf. The salty air fresh on his skin, the sun so very warm.

What had his baby done?

How did he get here?

The last thing he really remembered was drinking coffee in the car. Coffee? The jerk spiked him, he must have. Glancing muzzily at the time, he'd lost nearly a day, so there was no other way around it. Sticking his head into the other room he found a small living room with a kitchenette, but no sign of Tommy.

Unpacking the case which had been left for him, Adam took a shower and changed into a pair of denim shorts and a blue leopard print shirt Þo combat the heat. Gelling his hair slowly and applying a small amount of water proof make up, with a ton of sun screen. He didn't want to risk burning and peeling so close to a big tour.

The robotic nature of applying the creams and potions calmed him, gave him something to focas on. Anything that calmed him and took his mind off the attack was good right now. Twice he cleaned off the make up and started from scratch, nervous twitch of a sort.

Finally satisfied Adam picked up his wallet and a key that had been left for him and let himself outside. It was a little disorientating to not know where he was, or how they had got there. He carried his sandles letting the warm sand caress his bare feet. The surf was close by, he had to admit to a childish desire to run to the edge and paddle, which he barely withstrained from.

He wondered where Tommy had gotten to and why he had left. There was no one in sight in any direction, where the hell was he? On some empty stretch of beach didn't help him any! He heard a car pull up and the door slam, moments later his glitter kitty came around the corner carrying bags of groceries. "Sleepy head finally woke up then?" He asked.

"If you hadn't drugged him, then he wouldn't have slept so long!" Adam retorted.

Tommy blushed, "Sorry baby, but it was for your own good. I wouldn't do it for any other reason. I'd never hurt you. I hope with everything that's happened to you that you still know that about me. You can trust me, you will always be able to trust me."

He looked so scared, so fragile that Adam hugged him awkwardly around the packages, breathing in his spicy aftershave. It felt so damn good to be in his arms again after everything. They kissed softly. "I trust you glitters, no matter what. I'd follow you into hell and back if you asked me to." He murmered.

Tommy bit back tears, "Let me unpack already will you before I drop it all."

Adam smiled and let him go, watching through the window as he unpacked slowly. Letting the warm sun, start to fade away some of the nightmares he had faced. Absently he glanced at the bruises on his arms thinking he should cover them up before anyone saw, his throat must be just as bad as well.

Tommy caught him looking as he came back outside barefoot, but lurking in black skinny jeans and a metalica tee shirt reguardless of the heat. He took his lovers wrists and kissed the marks. "Don't worry, no one will see them. We are alone for miles, I promise. No one is going to find us here. Not even those sugar high glam bitches of ours."

"Where are we?" Adam asked, linking their fingers together. Taking strength from his baby being at his side.

"A little parcel of beach front near Miami, private land I borrowed off a friend of mine for a few days. Figure you needed a break to recover before WAG kicks off and I didn't think that you would wanna be around too many people. There's plenty of things to break and a very well stocked mini bar should you feel the need for either. With the location, you can scream at the top of your lungs and apart from destorying your throat you can't do any harm here. You are completely and perfectly safe, he can't get to you here. I will protect you, look after you, drag your drunken ass to bed to sleep it off. What ever you need to get over this, I'm here for you. No questions asked, no apologies needed. Use me as your own personal punch bag if it helps. And when we go home all is forgotten, I promise." Tommy said softly.

Adam just stood open mouthed in shock, "You would do all of that for me? Why?"

Tommy shook his head, "Adam I've been completely head over heels in love with you since the first second I laid eyes on you. I'd do anything, absolutly anything you need of me. Not every man is a monster who wants to hurt you. Not every guy who says I love you is going to break your heart. I know I'm just the rebound guy, I accept that. But I can't help wishing that some day I will be worth more then that in your eyes," he answered, "I will wait forever for that day if I need to. An eternity to be with you. I've waited all these years, so what's a little bit longer. You are worth waiting for."

Adam looked more open and vunerable in that single moment when Tommy had ever seen him before. All the masks he kept permanently in place to protect himself shattered. He was more naked right now then if he had been undressed.

He crawled into Tommy's arms like a small child, letting the other man stroke and kiss his hair. Give him comfort in this sea of insanity, something to grab hold of as a life support and hold onto.

Tommy pulled him down to sit on the step of the house and cuddle up, head in his lap as the other lay on the warm sand crying himself to sleep again. Just before the broken soul dropped off to sleep again, he murmered one short sentance which meant the whole world to his kitty.

"You were never a rebound lay."


	13. Chapter 13

**When Love Fades Away**

**Chapter 13**

**Authors Note: So here we are, the final chapter. For those of you sad to see it go, don't worry. 'When Love' is going to be a trilogy, the first chapter of the second part 'When Love Begins to Grow' is already in progress. And the final piece, 'When Love has Finally Found Me' will include my Adommy short stort 'Your Song'.**

Days turned into weeks in that small hut, sometimes Tommy would wake up alone in bed look for his baby and find him passed out drunk on the sofa. Clean the mess up and roll his ass into bed. Others he'd wake up and find that Adam was out running. Some days he'd lock himself away writing, not answering, not eatting or sleeping.

One day he came back from errands to find the house empty, tables over turned and every ornament smashed. Silently he cleaned the mess up and replaced the breakables incase Adam needed a second attack.

Slowly however he got over it, the boy started to smile again, to loosen up a little, even start talking stiltedly. They hadn't been intimate since the attack, but that was okay. Tommy hadn't expected there to be anything between them right now.

He had to admit that he missed sex, even more so having any intimacy with the man he needed so much. He had to wonder how the highly sexual diva was coping. If the absense was starting to drive him crazy, then he must be going out of his gourd!

Although Adam was finally eatting more, drinking and sleeping less he still wasn't himself. The tour started the next week, Tommy knew he had three days tops to break him before they had to head back. He started to worry that it wasn't enough time. What he would do with Adam if he couldn't fix him? It just didn't bare thinking about.

The man scared him with his mood swings and deep lingering depressions. Not that he thought he could hurt him, more scared that he might lose the man he loved. The guy had a history with drink and drugs, not a good place for him to slip back into and slip he surely could right now.

Tommy came onto the beach to look for his baby, wondering what kind of morning it was today. Nothing smashed, no empty bottles, a hlaf drunk glass of whisky on the side from a barely touched bottle. Perhaps this was a good day for a change.

He saw Adam in the distance at the shoreline, silently paddling dressed in jeans rolled up to his knees and a shirt, sandles in his hand. He looked so distant and thoughtful as Tommy walked over barefoot. Dressed in his own jeans and top, he had left his creepers on the step.

Adam didn't notice as he drew closer just carried on in his own world softly singing 'Whataya Want From Me' to himself. First time he had heard the rocker sing since the attack. Watching him so deeply intent on what he was doing gave Tommy's little inner devil a truely wicked idea.

He snuck up silently behind Adam and shoved him hard in the back bailing him head first into the water. Nothing was working so far so maybe a little childishness could help matters, it certainly couldn't hurt any.

Adam came up coughing and spluttering for air, soaked to the skin, hair flat and mis shapen now, make up dripping down his face. Looking shocked and a little hurt at the 'attack'. Tommy couldn't help laughing he truely did try not to, but the man looked such a picture that he burst into a fit of giggles.

Only to find himself shoved back into the water and soaked through as well. Then war broke out splashing, holding each other under the water and generally being damn stupid. Laughter, actually laughter come from the broken man and a broad smile broke accross his face.

Tommy took the chance to slam him right under the water catching him off balence. As Adam came up for air a miracle happened, he grabbed Tommy. Not to slam him under the water, but to kiss him. Not one of those rare soft impersonal kisses they had been existing with, but a warm, hungry, passionate one.

Hungry for the others flesh, making it extremely clear exactly what thoughts were crossing his mind right now. Kitty was so shocked he didn't know how to react, then as Adam's tongue forced his way into his mouth. His resolve broke as a moan escaped his lips. Crushing himself as close to his lover as he could, holding and kissing him back with as much hunger if not more.

Adam pushed Tommy back onto the soft sand far enough out of the water he could strip him, and himself out of the sodden clothing. Returning seconds later kissing and caressing his love as he pinned him down on the moist sand, their damp bodies touching in all the right ways.

Adam was nervous it had been so long since he had been touched. The last memory fresh burnt into his mind still, but he was so damn hungry. So desperate for the gentle touch of the man he loved.

The two emotions fought against each other for a while as they kissed passionately, the Kitty letting Adam set the pace completely so as not to scare him off. Lust and fear burned in his veins making it hard to think, his body shaking at a mixture of them both.

He was about ready to bolt away, when Tommy ran his tongue lightly over the pulse point on his throat and bit down. Adam's eyes closed and he moaned freely. "Damn it!" He thought, "I'm never this cheap!" But as Tommy kept on biting and kissing, his body betrayed those thoughts as the moans grew louder.

He worked lower, relaxing and teasing Adam, finally taking him in his mouth to bleed off a little of the tension. Fear ebbed away as the sensations grew, lust taking over more and more. A deep desperate need to be touched, to be sated at long last. To be needed, wanted, loved, taken...

Wait, taken?!

Adam explored that though as best he would with Tommy working some 'voodoo' deep down on him. He almost never let that happen after everything, not since...

He shoved that thought away fast before it spoilt everything. Yes, it was true. He wanted, craved to give Tommy his most intimate of trustbonds. To give him every chance to hurt him. Every chance to break him like the others had. He prayed to all the God's he could think of that his trust wasn't mistaken, as he lent closer to the blonde. Whispering two words in his ear, "Fuck me."

Tommy didn't need to be told twice, they had no condoms or lube here. The water would work, and he trusted Adam enough not to pass him anything. So he began to mimic the actions that the other always used on him to prepair before the act.

Adam lay back on the sand nervous contemplating if he had made the right choice to risk everything again. To dare to love, to be in love again. Tommy was by no means an expert in what he was doing, infact he was pretty rubbish, but he was trying his best.

Eventually Adam succomed to the torements, relaxing to the stimulus. Eager by the time the sex kitten picked up the pace and worked his way inside. Adam kissed him passionately as the movement began, when once more he was filled by another man.

Oh dear Odin did that feel good! To just let go, and let it all happen. To be a part of something again, a part of someone. Tommy knew all of his weaknesses, suckling on his earlobes, teasing his nipple ring, biting his neck, pulling on his hair. He was moaning like a cheap whore, but he didn't care.

He was finally home and at peace in his lovers arms. Staring into those beautiful eyes full of nothing apart from love and passion. It had been so very long, neither of them lasted very well. Exhausted after a single round, they lay back relaxing, letting the water play over their naked bodies.

"How long until we have to go home?" Adam asked playing with the boy's hair.

"Couple of days." Tommy murmered.

The received a brillent smile, "Then I still have time to make you pay for that act." He winked.

Tommy knew what that wink meant all too well. His Glam God was on the way back to him, and he had a 'itch to scratch'.

As they cuddled Adam sighed contentedly, "Thank you for putting up with all my shit."

Kitty smiled, "Yeah well maybe one day you can beat sense into me when I need it."

"Its a promise, whenever you need me I'm there."


End file.
